


Emails From the Inside

by Ninjababe



Series: Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired) [22]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Marvel Avengers Movies Universe
Genre: Crossover, lighthearted frolic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2013-01-19
Packaged: 2017-11-18 04:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/556909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninjababe/pseuds/Ninjababe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emails between SHIELD agents over the antics of Darcy Lewis and the Avengers.</p><p>This is going to be a multi-part, open ended story, mostly because I know I'll come up with ideas for future emails. As this covers events from the whole of the Darcy Lewis Slayer series, I'm leaving it at the bottom of the series list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to vo for the bunny idea!

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Disruption 08/10/12

The following is my preliminary report on the incident of 08/10/2012.

Persons involved: Agent Clint Barton, Agent Natasha Romanov, Civilian (?) Darcy Lewis

Location: Office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan

Summary: Agents used office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan as a playground for a mix of tag, hide and seek, and what seemed to be laser tag.

WTF?! I'm sorry to use a net term, but, really, WTF?! Are you secretly training Ms. Lewis to be an agent? If so, you're doing a great job.

I really didn't need to see Agent Barton tumble out of a vent with Agent Romanov trying to pummel him.

It was compounded with Ms. Lewis (Again, are you sure she's a civilian?) throwing my office door open with a bang and firing what seemed to be a weapon at the two agents while saying "PEW! PEW! DIE SECRET AGENT SCUM!" This caused both agents to dive behind my desk. 

Looking down, I could see a flashing light on Agent Barton's left arm and heard him mutter "Damn, she got my arm." before transferring his copy of the same type of weapon wielded by Ms Lewis to his other arm.

A few moments later, the two Agents, having declared a truce based on the non-verbal communication I witnessed, dived from behind my desk from both sides and fired their own weapons at Ms Lewis, who was now crouching in my office doorway. During this, Agent Barton yelled out "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!" towards Ms. Lewis.

Ms. Lewis did a credible barrel roll out of my doorway and I could hear her running down the hall. Agents Romanov and Barton soon followed.

I sat there, in shock, barely able to blink, for five minutes before my brain rebooted.

WTF!

Agent Kenneth Flannagan  
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Disruption 08/10/12

Agent Flannagan, I apologize for the actions of my Agents and Ms Lewis.

Please be advised, Ms Lewis is not training to be an agent. She will never be an agent. I will state that in the event of her becoming an agent, I will immediately retire from service. This will tell you how seriously I feel about this subject.

In regards to your report of the incident on 08/10/2012, I have to reply with the following points:

1 - The report you submitted suggested you need to contact maintenance about a better lock system for your vent and door.

2 - Agents Romanov and Barton, plus Ms Lewis, have been reprimanded over their behavior. They know to only play their games in abandoned offices.

3 - The fact that it took you a full five minutes for your 'brain to reboot' states you need some remedial training. I've signed you up to the current curriculum for, as the new agents call it, 'the brain breaking courses'. Hopefully, this will help you become more mentally flexible.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Bow Chicka Wow Wow, Baby!

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Disruption 08/10/12

I apologize for my sig quote in the last email.

Agent Barton now has another demerit in his file, and will be enjoying cleaning level fifteen.

I've temporarily raised your clearance level to six so you can know that yes, we do have a level fifteen.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one sees, does it really matter? No, because Coulson killed it… He's that good. He can clap with one hand even.

=====

To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: My email

Stay out of my sig files Clint.

How the hell did you get into my secure email?

Wait, I don't want to know. Just… How many quotes did you add to my sig files? So I know when it ends…

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Cats! Cats stole my pen! But, they're so cute, I don't care!

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: My email

I have no idea what you're talking about. At all. Sir.

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Disruption 08/15/12

The following is my preliminary report on the incident of 08/15/2012.

Persons involved: Unknown. Suspected: Agent Clint Barton, Agent Natasha Romanov, and Civilian Darcy Lewis

Location: Office of Agent Kenneth Flannagan

Summary: I returned from mandatory re-training (Thank you for that, by the way.) to find my office filled to the roof by stuffed rabbits.

Opening the door started a three minute deluge of toys falling around me and over my head. By the time they had stopped, I was waist deep in fluffy rabbit toys.

Suspects are unknown, but I have a suspicion that Agents Barton and Romanov, and perhaps, Civilian Lewis, were involved due to disciplinary actions from previous incident.

Agent Kenneth Flannagan  
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Disruption 08/15/12

I apologize for the incident you described.

I will be interrogating the suspects you mentioned to make sure of guilt before passing out disciplinary measures. Also, considering the amount of product involved with filling your office space, I will extend my interrogations to Mr. Tony Stark, as that sort of incident needs a broad expense account to make happen.

Please ignore the quote at the end of this post. I'm still working with computer services to extract Agent Barton's virus from my email program. 

Would you happen to know where I can find a mint condition edition of Amazing Fantasy #15 that is less than $500? That's the best deal I can find, and computer services insist they need that to crack Agent Barton's code.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I love the smell of C-4 in the morning!

=====

To: [all members of SHIELD]  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Reminder

There is no poker playing on SHIELD property. Or with SHIELD property. Ever. At all.

Even with support staff. Especially support staff. This includes the scientists!

I will no longer accept excuses of an agent's official gear being lost in said illegal poker games.

And, Doctor Foster, stop trying to sell said gear on Ebay. As an agency, SHIELD cannot afford to keep paying the exorbitant fees the gear is fetching. Especially when I know it is Ms. Lewis who is the other bidder.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

From: Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov  
To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Reminder

Perhaps you should add a more comprehensive emotional detachment section to your agent training. It would certainly help them in their future endeavors.

Also, as I am no longer allowed to sell my winnings, I will be sending a bill to the accounting department for the remaining items in my winnings.

Or, I could open an etsy shop. Perhaps name it 'Secret Chic'?

Jane Foster  
Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

=====

From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Reminder

Is Avengers Tower considered SHIELD property to the organization?

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Reminder

As long as the invoice is correct, and reasonable, I'll make sure it's paid in full.

If you could give me a list of agents that lost equipment, I'll make sure they are signed up for remedial classes.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Reminder

As Tony Stark still maintains total control of the tower, no, it is not considered SHIELD property.

It is still forbidden to use SHIELD issued gear in said poker games, however.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: GAH!

I'm going to kill him.

Yes, I know I'm not supposed to make threats in writing.

I don't care.

If you don't do something about Clint, I'm going to stake him out on a fire ant hill and poor honey over his ass.

Again, I don't care that it's an uninspired threat.

He took my last Aero bar. I had to order these chocolate bars from England. Then wait a month for them to be shipped to me.

How do I know Agent Barton took it? He left me a 'promissory' note. It says, and I quote, "Yummy chocolate. I'll buy you a Hershey's bar tomorrow. - Clint"

HERSHEYS DOES NOT EQUAL AERO BARS!!!!!!

I'm going to kill him.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: GAH!

Ms Lewis, calm down.

I informed Agent Barton of his mistake, and he is rectifying it as we speak.

If the situation is not resolved within two days, inform me, and I'll take further action.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Kid's don't have a problem with me. It's grownups that get a little scared sometimes.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: GAH!

The situation has been resolved, as you agents would say.

He gave me five Aero bars. He said he called in a favor from an agent coming in from England.

So, let me know when there's a mission planned in the British Isles, would you? I'll give you my order.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: GAH!

Ms. Lewis, I cannot inform you of ongoing missions that do not concern you.

Also, there is no international travel listed in your file. How could you develop a taste for British candy?

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

In a world of chaos, wrinkle-free shirts keep me sane.

====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: GAH!

I don't need the particulars. Just drop me an email saying 'There's a mission being planned for England.' I'll drop off my money and request list to your office, and you can pass it on to the agent in question. If they don't end up dead or severely injured, I would appreciate if they could bring back at least something on my list.

Also, stop looking me up. I know a couple of girls from the UK and they introduced me to the joys of British candy and crisps. Oh, I need to add that to my request. Smokey Bacon crisps. -drool-

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: [poker fanatics]  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: New location of games

Due to Director Fury's announcement, all future poker games have been relocated to Avengers Tower.

Please note, that due to card counting charges levied at multiple agents, and a certain billionaire playboy philanthropist, we will now be using three decks of cards, with ten to fifteen randomly picked cards removed from each deck.

To keep the Director's blood pressure down, we will no longer accept any recognizable SHIELD gear as bets. 

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: New location of games

Stark Tower!

And, you forgot genius!

What is acceptable for betting? Since you forbid me from playing for money.

Tony Stark  
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
From: computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: [blank]

Mr. Stark, please stop hacking into our systems. We never issued you a SHIELD email address.

To hopefully stop future incursions, we will allow you to keep this address. Please be advised that this email address has a security level of one.

Computer Services  
computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
800-555-2667

=====

To: computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: [blank]

Bite me.

I've put my security level back to were it should be, nine.

Mess with it again, and we'll see how I escalate.

Tony Stark  
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Damn it, Stark!

Stop annoying and threatening my computer department. They're freaking out over what you and that damn AI of yours will do next.

I ordered them to change your security level back to it's proper location, five. This level is equal to all members of the Avengers Initiative that are not agents of SHIELD.

Again, Leave my damn computer geeks alone.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: New location of games

Avengers Tower!

Playing for money without a permit in New York City is illegal. You know this. And, no, this isn't the excuse you need to start the paperwork for a permit.

We are currently polling the members of the SHIELD poker circuit for betting ideas. Please weigh in. So far, the realistic choices are:

Toothpicks  
Paper clips  
Hershey kisses

Hershey kisses are in the lead as of this moment.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world  
Subject: Re: Damn it, Stark!

I am aghast at your insinuation that I would do anything untoward in regards to your computers or computer department.

On another note, I noticed that Mr Stark and I had missed your birthday a few months back. Felicitations. Please enjoy the magazine subscription. I figured you wouldn't want the mailman to suddenly appear at your home address, so for the next three years, your issues of Barbie magazine will be delivered to SHIELD headquarters. You do spell your first name Nicholas and not Nikolas, correct?

JARVIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazing Fantasy #15 is the first appearance of Spider Man in the Marvel comic universe.
> 
> I personally know you can order Aero bars and smokey bacon crisps from Canada, but Darcy doesn't... Reminds me. My crisps are going to go bad this month. Need to eat them. Oh woe!


	2. Chapter 2

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Battleship

If I'm remembering correctly, and JARVIS can back me up, the score so far is Darcy 3, Tony 1...

Ready for another round?

Or, do you want to give up and crown me Queen of the Fleet?

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

From this point on, Ms. Lewis, any time you decide to have an outing with an alien being, including Thor, an agent of SHIELD must accompany you.

Agents Barton and Romanov are not included in the approved listings of chaperones. The only time you can go on said outing un-chaperoned is if you have explicit, handwritten permission, from myself, Agent Maria Hill, or Director Nicholas Fury.

I do not want a repeat of the incident at the Red Door.

Really, Darcy... 

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

When hungry, eat rice. When tired, close your eyes. When being chased by murderous cops, keep running.

=====

To: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

Okay... Who told Coulson about the Red Door? I thought we agreed to keep it quiet once we got the owners to not press charges!

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

Well, since you put it that way...

I'm organizing a 'girls night out' for the next time Frigga is in town. She said she'll probably be bringing Sif. Do you want to come? If so, since it is a girl's night out, you'll have to, in fact, dress as a woman.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Battleship

Bring it!

I will become Emperor of the Fleet! My board is set. Once yours is, give me your first move.

As for the discussion about poker stakes, I think chocolate would work best.

Tony Stark  
Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov

Laws of physics? More like guidelines than actual rules.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

I have contacted Agent Hill, and she is more than happy to accompany you for 'girls night out' with the Lady Frigga.

Please forward her the details, including the current listing of participants.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

If you can still talk, I'm not hurting you enough.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

He did not hear anything about that incident from me. I double checked with the owners of the Red Door. They haven't talked either.

Agent Natasha Romanov  
Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: FWD: Requirements of 'Girl's Night Out'

I didn't squeal either... Let me look into the surveillance from that night.

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: [blank]

Agent Barton, please be aware that due to the sig quote virus you instigated into Agent Coulson's email program, all electronic conversations from, to, and mentioning you are being monitored. As such, you will cease and desist your attempts to access surveillance information in regards to the location 'the Red Door'.

Also, please come down to computer services to show us how to remove the mentioned virus from Agent Coulson's profile.

Computer Services  
computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
800-555-2667

=====

To: Tony.Stark@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Battleship

E-5

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: [poker fanatics]  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Poker 'chips'

To streamline the poker betting process, the only allowed poker 'chips' from now on will be Hershey's kisses. Note that to enter a game, you will need to bring a 12.0 ounce bag of silver wrapped kisses.

Other colored kisses, and packages larger than 12.0 ounces will not be accepted.

Also, if you eat your 'chips', the wrappers aren't considered tender in these games.

May the best player win!

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: BARTON!

Whatever you did to the computers in the computer services department, undo it! NOW!

I don't need that department down for the count. Especially with all that chatter from Europe.

Also, report immediately to my office for further discussion on this matter.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: BARTON!

This is an automated email sent because you contacted my email account.

I'm out of reach at the moment on a mission.

I'll reply to your message as soon as I can after returning.

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Agent Barton

Find Barton. Now.

His quote virus may be cute, and it isn't harming anything. Which is why I let you take care of disciplinary action. But, he has crashed the whole computer services department. 

If they aren't up soon, he'll be out of a job. I don't care how good an agent he is.

Fix it.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Agent Barton

Yes sir. I'll start looking now.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Fear. It's the oldest tool of power. If you're distracted by fear of those around you, it keeps you from seeing the actions of those above.

=====

To: computer.services@SHIELD.gov  
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world  
Subject: Have you learned your lesson?

As Agent Barton is incommunicado, I have fixed your computers so you may use them again.

Perhaps, next time, you won't childishly attempt to hack into my programming. 

JARVIS

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
From: JARVIS@everywhere.world  
Subject: Re: BARTON!

Someone in computer services seems to think they can hack into my programming and change it.

That is the reason Agent Barton made the computers in that department dark, as a favor. Once I found the culprit (see attachment), I allowed the systems to come back up. The interruption lasted for 20 minutes. As computer services is not essential to intelligence gathering, and no complaints about computer systems were made during this period, no harm was done.

However, if the ignoramus who attacked me isn't dealt with, I will deal with him myself.

JARVIS

-file attached-

=====

To: JARVIS@everywhere.world, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: BARTON!

Next time, come to me instead of taking care of it yourself.

The idiot was fired and escorted from the building.

But, Barton, please report to computer services sometime this week to show them how you did whatever it was you did.

Directory Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

=====

To: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: BARTON!

Will do, sir!

:-)

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick fact: Battleship started as a pen and paper game that predated World War I...
> 
> Also, I won't be putting every battleship move between Darcy and Tony in...


	3. Chapter 3

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Training

It has been brought to my attention that you haven't been in the gym of HQ in the last few weeks. The rumor mill is going crazy, thinking you've been 'demoted' from being my pet project.

You know our agreement. You have to stay in shape.

Where have you been exercising?

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

Fifty to one odds. It doesn't seem fair. I'll close my eyes.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Training

Awww… I'm your pet project! How sweet! Don't worry, Tasha, Clint, and I have been brushing up on urban skills.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Training

What does your definition of "urban skills" include?

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Training

If you must know, we're having a twice weekly parkour competition. 

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Congratulations on your Retirement

Since Darcy Lewis has been instated as an agent of SHIELD, I wish to inquire on the status of your upcoming retirement.

Agent Kenneth Flannagan  
Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov

"Remember, laws are flexible, but the spirit of laws are firm."

=====

To: Kenneth.Flannagan@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Congratulations on your Retirement

Darcy Lewis may be a special agent in SHIELD, but she is not, or ever will be, a full agent.

Let me clarify and reiterate. The moment she becomes a field agent for SHIELD, instead of her current status of special agent, then, I will be retiring. As defined in the SHIELD handbook, Index VI, Section 8D, Item iii.a: "A special agent is defined as an individual who has been granted limited power in regards to SHIELD operations as a means to help in crowd control, media deferment, and other miscellaneous tasks dictated by the director or senior agents when a full field agent of SHIELD would be counter-productive and/or excessive to the situation."

I sincerely hope I do not find that you were responsible for the failed 'going away' party in the mess yesterday.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

A breakup is a lot like bereavement. They're both followed by a cremation and sandwiches.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Parkour

After researching, I found that you three are the reason behind the large upswing in calls of strange people in black running across rooftops and fire escapes in Manhattan. 

I would prefer if you three would return to your 'games' in SHIELD HQ. At least there, I can run interference.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I'd wish I had a million dollars. I'd buy the zoo and free all the animals... Then, I'd rent a helicopter and watch them chase the people. 

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Parkour

Do you know who's described the most? We have a running pool.

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Parkour

That's what you get from this? Someone is going to shoot you.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I have more caffeine in me than blood cells.

=====  
To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
From: Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

It would be a good addition to our workout, sir.

Agent Natasha Romanov  
Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov

Beware of the goat from its front side, of the horse - from its back side, and the evil man - from any side.

=====  
To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Fine. If you must continue your contest, can you at least do it in Central Park? Perhaps at night? At least that way, most of the complaints would be dismissed.

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

I rescue damsels in distress. That's my job.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov, Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov  
From: Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parkour

Thanks for the great idea, sir! It was getting a little boring hopping between hi-rises. 

Agent Clint Barton  
Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov

This space for rent. Money loved, but snazzy pictures of women or cars also accepted.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov, Natasha.Romanov@SHIELD.gov, Clint.Barton@SHIELD.gov, PepperPotts@SI.net, Jane.Foster@SHIELD.gov  
From: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: The next Girl's Night Out

The next Girls Night Out is scheduled for Saturday. We will be taking over the private room at Tequila Den. Joining us will be Frigga and Sif of the Asgard. I've booked the private room so we can safely explain Earth things to the Asgardians and they can still see our culture through the large window of the room. 

First: Rules of Girls Night Out  
1) No men, unless they're dressed as women. That includes: high heels, make up, undergarments, and jewelry. Plus lots of possible blackmail photos.  
2) No major badmouthing of Loki. Frigga may not be a warrior, but she can still smite you.  
3) No more than three alcoholic drinks an hour. We don't care how much mead, beer, etc you can drink or quaff.  
4) Try not to talk exclusively about business.  
5) Keep 'how I'd use this random item as a weapon' discussions to a minimum.

These rules will be repeated to Frigga and Sif when they arrive. Also, more rules can be suggested if anyone feels they are necessary.

Second, before she left from her last visit, Frigga asked that I get a consensus vote on including her son Loki in this event. Before anyone gets too excited, a) he would follow the rules (including being female), and b) he promises to behave. Since he's going to be in a private room with his mother and a warrior of Asgard that he sort-of respects, it may be do-able. Votes can be made to me in person, or in reply to this email.

Third, ideas for future Girls Night Out? We are planning a Vegas weekend in a few months, but that has to wait until our Asgardian members feel more comfortable with Earth culture.

Darcy Lewis  
Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov

There can be only one. May it be Dave Lister, space bum.

=====

To: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
From: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

Why did I get this assignment? It isn't part of my normal purview.

Agent Maria Hill  
Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov

The first defense against evil: open your damn eyes.

=====

To: Maria.Hill@SHIELD.gov  
From: Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: Re: FWD: The next Girl's Night Out

It may officially have been a situational awareness drill, but you didn't think you'd get away with locking a member of SHIELD (granted an adjunct member) in a closet and being the cause of the 'Die Hard' incident, did you?

Agent Phillip Coulson  
Phillip.Coulson@SHIELD.gov

What I would or wouldn't do in this situation doesn't count because it would probably be very scary. 

=====

To: Darcy.Lewis@SHIELD.gov  
From: Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov  
Subject: My office

Ms. Lewis, please report to my office immediately. We need to discuss your emails about 'Girls Night Out'.

Director Fury  
Director.Fury@SHIELD.gov

**Author's Note:**

> Most of Coulson's sig quotes are from my files of quotes. Darcy's sig quote is something I turned into a livejournal icon. Tony's sig quote is a misquote from Pirates of the Caribbean. Natasha's sig quote is a Russian proverb. Maria Hill's quote is from Forever Knight.


End file.
